today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
