NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
