Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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