I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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