I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
