Four minutes until I can fart!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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