i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
