After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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