i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
