dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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