I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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