I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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