All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
