I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
