i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
