you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
