In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
