did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
