I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
