You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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