ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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