i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
