And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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