Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
