I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
They are going to name an STD after you.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
