i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
