My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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