Sry I called you an 8
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
