i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
