I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
