1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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