I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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