oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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