This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she pinky promised me she was 18
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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