Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
