Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
