You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
