Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
