Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
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Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.