i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice