I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
