I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
