In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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