Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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