That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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