So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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