You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
