Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
