dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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