I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
