I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
