I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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