i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
