My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
