you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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