Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
