Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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