My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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