Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
