I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
