My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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