onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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