all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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