true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Im part way to drunk.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
